Turkey & Cheese
Posted on February 8, 2005
So due to circumstances beyond my control I now have a copy of “3 Mighty Men” aka Turkish Spiderman. That name doesn’t tell the whole story though. First lets just take a look at the only real reason to watch it, Turkish Spiderman.
Wow. What a guy. He obviously has the proportional Turkishness and fatbody-ness of a spider. No expense was spared on the costumes or physical conditioning of the actors. This is truly the new Golden Age of superheroes. Spiderman is the main villain of this movie, and is supported by a gang of 70′s camp era Batman enemy cronies. Except they’re Turkish. And a lot are “sexy” “women” who I guess seduce and kill people. At this point I should note that this movie is all in Turkish and I don’t understand a word of it. Its just angry yelling for an hour and a half. Also, it took me over 2 weeks to get through the entire movie. At just about 90 minutes long it was an extreme chore to watch.
Ok, enough about how I can’t understand the movie, back to criticizing it without understanding a word. The movie wouldn’t be “3 Mighty Men” without at least 2 more mighty men, and here they are.
Your eyes do not deceive you, thats Captain America and Mexican superhero/wrestler/movie star Santo. Star of such gems as Santo vs The She Wolves (I just noticed that page is hosted from the UMD webserver, go Maryland.) Santo and Captain America are best friends forever and fight crime all over Turkey together. Apparently. The actors that play them look IDENTICAL with their groovy 70′s Robotech hairstyles, so it was impossible for me to tell them apart for most of the movie. I didn’t realize they were different people until they were in the same room at the same time, talking about something super. Basically I get nothing out of this movie besides the hilarious action, since I cannot understand the dialogue. I have no doubt that is it gripping discourse though.
The action on the other hand is hilarious. I am frankly amazed that no one was killed while making this movie, because no one has any idea what they are doing in the action scenes. People get thrown on their heads or punched in the Spider-gut constantly. The Hollywood of Turkey is no doubt paved with the broken spines of Spidermen past. People climb on things in extremely non-super fashion, which either means no one has super powers, or the spiders in Turkey are really fat and lazy.
I know Spidey, I don’t like it either. This movie isn’t even 2 hours long but it takes approximately 10 years to watch. When you get to the part where they put an exceedingly docile hamster in a tube that ends at a man’s eyes, causing him to scream and leak ketchup you will wonder the same thing that I did. What did I ever do to you Turkey? The end makes even less sense than the rest of the movie if thats possible, and ends with a blatant rip on the Sanford and Son theme, redeeming the entire film. Basically this movie is too bad to watch even as a joke. You’ve seen the fat Spiderman, thats all there is to it. Just imagine him “climbing” really slowly up someone’s drain pipe and stealing a statue. Then throw in some Mexican wrestlers and a superhero confused about what country he represents. Friends don’t let friends watch 3 Mighty Men.
Interested in more Turkish movies? Consult your local library. Or this page for Seanbaby’s reviews of more Turkish movies than anyone should ever watch.