Archive for July, 2004
Quickie
Sunday, July 25th, 2004
So today was just a really long day at work, but I have to point out that a man came in dressed like this:
(Note to the Internet: this picture should not have been so hard to find, what is wrong with you) He had a mustache too, but I really couldn’t find a picture that had BOTH the pith helmet and the ’stache. He walked around the store really slowly, just sort of nodding approvingly at the stacks. He strolled around for waaaay too long for me NOT to laugh at him, so I called Yusuf out and we both had to run to opposite sides of the store to not burst out in his face. Congrats sarafi man, you win the best Purple Potamus non-customer of the day!
Organ-ization
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
So today I worked with Big Al, which means we left really early cause he actually gets the work done really fast. However, I also have to do the most bizarre things with I work with him. Example: last time I had to look behind every VHS tape to make sure it was in front of the right movie. We have a few VHS tapes, so that took me like 3 and a half hours. This time I had to go organize the porn. I mean, it was bound to happen at some point. But the deal is, we have like 3000 some VHS porns, so the boxes are collapsed down and numbered, so you can flip through them and just grap the corresponding tape. Otherwise it would take up acres of space. So what did I have to do? Re-order every last one of those boxes. There was some weeeird stuff in there, but the most bizarre was probably the “Pimping 101 starring Ice T” one, cause it seemed like an instructional video. So after like 3 hours of doing that Al popped his head in to check on how it was going and asked “So have you seen enough tits and ass to last a lifetime?” Yes is the answer to that question. So I spent the rest of my shift boiling my hands cause I had just been all up in “The Shire” for way too long. Then a guy came in later and is trying to work there full time, but I think I may have shattered his dreams by telling him we get minimum wage. He found comfort in The Shire though, so the circle of life was complete.
Lookie
Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
In my neverending quest to clean up my stuff in this house, I found some really weird stuff in the “book closet.” Take a look at these. I vaguely remember having these, but the cover art is really what makes them supar kewl. Rooting around some more I found 2 He-Man books. Its all pretty insane, but one thing really jumped out at me. Just look at that. THANG? Ms. Thang? I dunno, all I’m saying is that might be where its from.
Don’t call us…
Friday, July 16th, 2004
So today was AMAZINGLY normal at Fiend Video today, only one guy was upset about a 10 day late fee on a porn, but I didn’t really understand why he was so upset at first. The late fee was on his WIFE’s account, so when I said “the manager will call you tomorrow about it and you can work it out” he sorta flew off the handle. So I had to put a little “don’t call him, he’ll call you” note so Dan doesn’t call his wife and say “Freaks Flows and Hos was 10 days late.” Then to “show me up” I guess he brought his porn back that same day. OOOH I’m impressed, you’re a quick little devil aren’t you? He told Stacie he was going to cancel his account if it happened again cause “he was getting screwed here” so I guess he’ll just move on to Blockbuster. OH WAIT no he won’t cause they don’t rent porn. Boo hoo.
Puns! HAHA
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
So we had a “staff meeting” today at fiend video, and both Jonathan and Edwin got FIRED (I knew about jon arleady, but edwin was pretty surprising.) So that was retarded, but it reminded me of a very special episode of “Customers Say The Most Retarded Things,” or CSTMRT for short. This couple was renting Step Into Liquid which has the tagline “get stoked.” The guy said something to the effect of “I’ve never been stoked, but I’ve been toked before.” Har dee har guy. Then as they were leaving, the woman said “Ok, I’m going to go home and get stoked,” but Prince Charming said “No, you’re going to get poked!” ZING!! HAHAHAHHAhhglakjhg;lsadkhglkhea. Sorry, that was just TOO funny ROFL OMG D))D.
Both Sides
Monday, July 12th, 2004
So the two worst examples of video store customer showed up tonight. The KING of the porn fiends, and the STUPIDEST woman I have ever met. First, as always: the porn.
This guy comes in all the time and rummages through the newly returned porn, because he is always looking for ONE specific one amongst the 3200 tapes and dvds. He comes up to me today and says “So how is it you have these in a store, you know thats against the law right?” and I sort of scoff at him so he says “You won’t be laughing when someone calls the cops.” Look guy, you rent like 5 every day, so what does that make you? An undercover cop? No, just a porn fiend. And a dumb ass.
So then this woman who is SERIOUSLY stupid came back in and told me she couldn’t watch the 3 movies she rented cause they weren’t rewound, so she didn’t have enough time. In a 5 day period she couldn’t find time to rewind and watch 3 tapes. She’s the same woman who asked “What do I do now” when I told her the total cost for the movies was $13.50. I told here “This is when you give me $13.50″ If I could get both these people on a bus and have it drive off the edge of the Earth you could count that as all my Christmas presents 4-eva.
Funny Porn Title of the Day: My Ass Is Trippin’
Bounty
Friday, July 9th, 2004
Look at what I got today.
Space Spider
Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
So I saw Spiderman 2 today, and Jason X. Spiderman was good blah blah you can read that on any website on the unternet. Jason X is interesting in one way. I think from the beginning the directors thought “this stuff with a masked serial killer in a summer camp is one thing, but until this series goes into SPACE we haven’t begun to make the real stuff.” So congrats guys, you finally made it! LOL 
:):)
Drowned
Monday, July 5th, 2004
I forgot to mention it, but a guy insisted we needed to “expand our anime section” at the video store, while handing me a hentai video tape. So I asked “with what? more hentai?” to which he replied “ABSOLUTELY!!” I can’t really communicate how this guy talked, but imagine the worst game show host voice ever coming out of a guy who looks like…16 tops.
Anyway, more importantly the UMD fireworks were cancelled on account of TERRORIST RAINSTORM 2K4. So I just watched Bruce Lee: His Last Days, His Last Nights on cable. At the end a man said “Bruce Lee is a superstar and you should respect his name!” No Brucesploitation movie ever has had the balls to tell other Brucesploitation movies to respect the real Bruce. They’ve had him jump out of his grave and do a million badly edited fight scenes, but NEVER have they told people to respect the man while actively shaming him. You go China.
Addendum: How could I forget the “most patriotic event of the year.” Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest was held today, and Takeru Kobayashi won for the 4th year in a row by eating 53 hot-dogs in 12 minutes. Clearly this makes him America’s greatest hero and a far greater patriot than even Captain America or She-Hulk.
Wow
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
Ok, so its going to take some seriously wild shit from Purple Potamus to top today. A guy came in and rented 18 pornos today. All at once. 12 VHS tapes and 6 dvds. This was at like 4 pm, they are all due back by midnight the next day. I don’t have the mental strength to figure out how long they all were and how many hours he has, but basically he won’t be sleeping anytime soon. I thought about offering to call the hospital for him ahead of time, but I was too busy biting the hell out of my tongue so I wouldn’t laugh in his face. The stack of movies on the counter was higher than the top of my head. To top all that off, he had a $88 late fee for….you guessed it, keeping his last spree out for 2 extra days. I told him and he said “yea, sounds right.” So his final bill comes to $167, and it takes like 3 bags to hide his shame from the world. Its too late for the people in the store though, we pretty well publicized the fact that “the guy with the porn” was coming to the register. I salute you guy with the porn, you have out fiended everyone who I have had to deal with so far combined. The depth of your perversion knows no bounds.
Later a guy with a craaaaaaazy Jamaican accent came in and when I told him about his late fees he told me he would “pay that in 2 years” and told me to be careful of my friends cause “they are nice to you, then they just shit all over you.” Thanks man, you really opened my eyes. See you in 2 years for that $8.50
